And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
