i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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