life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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