Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
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She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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