Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
