My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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