You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
