i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
