im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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