She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
