The maid of honor just puked.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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