I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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