dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
