I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
