did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Randomize
