Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
