I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
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