he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
