Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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