We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
