im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
