Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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