once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
