If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
