She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
