You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
