She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
