dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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