All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
