On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
