Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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