when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
