He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
