he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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