Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
