Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
