I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
