You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
