you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
