Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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