You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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