I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize