The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
