omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was born a porn star she said
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
