Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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