I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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