i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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