sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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