an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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