I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
