I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
