Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
