Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
