6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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